How are you this third quarter of '07? Well
let us tell you, it's been a busy second quarter '07 for three FUBARians!
It appears that three, that's right three FUBAR Hall of Famers have acquired
offspring this past August (Seems as though the boys were hitting homers
during Q4 '06 maybe? :o) So lets' run down the inventory then shall we
- Jeff "E" and Tanya had their first one - a girl model in mid-August
Kevin "Cy Young" and Denise "The Windmill" Russo of the Engineering Clan
had their second; another boy they presumably built in the basement
out of spare computer parts and organic yogurt will add to the first one
(Stephen & Tony). Finally, the
Cyber Kid and Dawn had their second - a girl model this time (one of each
now! Jessica & Alex) The Cyber Kid was quoted as saying, "We're having a girl ...I'm
so screwed!" "E" was quoted as saying, "Mmmm, babies!?..."
Wha? Huh? (Read on people, read on) OK,
so all these freakin' kids aside
(major congrats to all by the way!), there's just so much going on in
FUBARia that frankly, we need to get down to business; so let's get to it
We here at the FNC have in our possession some disturbing pictures from the
"E" compound. We have reason to believe that after acquiring his
daughter Jeff the Cann"E"bal may in fact be adopting the ways of
"people-eaters." We don't know, nor can we confirm the type of shenanigans
and waywardness that is transpiring up at their "ranch" (compound
complete with DEW line and razor-wire) but you decide for yourself?
They say a picture is worth a thousand words... however for
legal and financial reasons we only have ink for 8, but here you go anyway -
||Jeff the Cann"E"Bal
going in for the eggs!!
Now, we're not saying that this is "proof" of
anything (well we are, as a FUBAR photographer took the photo) but
let's just analyze this photo for grins anyway -
First, you have "E" and
a baby (presumably his?). Second, you have "E" with his mouth
agape. Keep in mind here (and we don't want to sway your opinion
... well maybe just a little) that his mouth does not appear to be agape
conducive to an affectionate manner such as kissing but agape in the
manner with which someone is about to delve into a nice juicy Fuddrucker's double bacon w/ cheese! "I was just giving her a
kiss." was Jeff's explanation. "Suspect" is all we're
going to say...I mean what kind of kiss is this then? Who
kisses like this anyway? Unfortunately (or fortunately for her
sake) Tanya was unavailable for comment about Jeff's "unique" style
of kissing where he apparently unhinges his jaw prior to
"engagement." Look we've seen it a thousand times here at the
FNC and you can call us crazy but when we see someone who looks like
they might occasionally eat a "finger" sandwich (and by that we
don't mean sandwiches that "look" like "fingers" finger sandwiches;
we mean actual bonafide count to ten "digits" on bread w/
a slice of tomato, mayo, salt & pepper!) we can usually call them out on it!
Besides, how in the hell
do you explain the next photo?...
HOLY CRAP PEOPLE! Someone call social
services! I mean look, you got a picture of a guy who looks
like he's about to sink into the most amazing apple he's every seen,
claiming "he's just giving her a kiss" and then you have this
photo to the right with his kids eyes covered with gauze. Who
uses gauze for eye protection? Not me, you? In my
day eye protection came in three varieties; they were called
sunglasses, safety glasses and in some very desperate cases, an eye
mask could be substituted! Never gauze, never! Gauze is
for wounds, cuts and abrasions, that sort of thing. We don't buy
it folks. You have to get up pretty early to fool us (well at
least before noon) people and we're not fooled. What's this
naysayer, don't believe
us? Well let us ask you then... you ever see his kids eyes?
<sounds of gasps> Well then, there you have it - in a
nutshell. Cann"E"Bal is sounding a bit more plausible
it? People don't just up and buy farmland in the middle of no
where unless they have a reason and eating eyeballs and keeping
heads in the freezer sounds as good a reason as any to me.
Look, you've seen the pics, we don't have to convince you anymore...
It's right here in all it's full color glory. Of course the
FNC has no legal nor morale obligation to do anything about this
because well frankly we're just too apathetic and wrapped up
in our own menial existence to give a damn! Besides, did we
mention there was another A.J. Sighting!!! (Nice segue way
OK, so in conjunction (that means "at the same time" Chris) with the whole
cannibalism fiasco, the FNC had more reports and a confirmed sighting of the
elusive North American A.J. Apparently hungry and driven from it's
natural habitat due to urban growth and global warming, sightings of the A.J. have become more frequent in
some metropolitan areas...
Patrons of a local
McDonald's in central Texas can attest to that as many had quite a start a
few weeks ago when they let their kids
venture into the play area, only to be confronted with the A.J.
Apparently the smell of food was unavoidable for the creature and taking
advantage of a slow exiting patron, the A.J. made his way inside the restaurant where he
became trapped. Confused and alone, the A.J. spent hours in the play
area running rampant until he finally realized the doors opened outward and
escasped. "It was horrible" one patron was quoted as saying.
"It was the scariest day of my life. Well, the second scariest, my
wedding was the first!" said another ("Hey Dave you gonna eat
those fries!" - "Shhh... I'm doing a sound bite!"). An FNC reporter
utilizing a police scanner (and completely orchestrating the entire event
with hopes of winning a Pulitzer for journalism) was able
to make it to the restaurant prior to the A.J. escaping; here's a couple
pics that were taken -
The A.J. stuck in the slide
The A.J. trapped in the
"So where the A.J. is hiding now is again a mystery." The Cyber Kid
said in a press conference; "I'll guess we'll just have to wait
until he gets hungry and turns up at another restaurant.
I just hope he doesn't give the customers a fright like he did this
time!" the Cyber Kid added. To calm the eating
public, the FUBAR Mobile Task Force
(FMTF) has been deployed to various eateries around the metroplex in
an effort to locate and trap the creature.
"Confidence is high that we'll find 'em. It's all about where
he'll migrate to next and we just need to be there when he shows - We'll be at Hooter's..."
the FMTF Chief added; "Seems to be a recurrence of sightings
there!?" I guess we'll just have to wait and see
as we get more info on this developing (yet oddly recurring) story...
So my favorite cronies, that's about all the news there is to make up, 'er
we mean "bring to you" this quarter. Of course there is always the 4th
quarter where we'll bring you even more news and all the
rebelliousness from the 9th annual FUBAR-B-Que and drunken orgy (reported
"nearly" live from Daytona Beach, Florida). And in case you think we
forgot, we didn't. Here's an installment of the FUBAR News
Corporation's newest segment; WTF.
The Cyber Kid w/ FUBAR Super
fan Carrie B. - Quick question? What's with the floating baby!
project spotted on a fridge.
OK, enough craziness. We promise, we've moved to decaf at night too!
So, until next quarter, this has again been your faithful