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fubar News Corporation
copyright 1999. All rights reserved.  Fubar news corporation, dallas, texas.


photo taken by eyewitness (who was laughing his ass off by the way!?)

       This was the grisly scene just over a year ago outside a restaurant in Birmingham, England.  The body of a David "The Cyber Kid" M., the same guy  who brought the famous FUBAR Ball Club to fruition in the early 90’s, was found shot near a local eatery in England.  Sources reported there were many witnesses to the brutal scene, but no “real” suspects.  Eyewitnesses report being with the FUBAR CEO up until the shooting.  Ed “Stand by Me” Gordon made this comment, “Holy sh*t it was freaky…we we’re all out having fun, drinking a few Beverages as you do in the UK and got hungry.  So, we go to get some food…well, we’re all goofing off, I don’t think anyone really saw the shot, but we turn around and there he is, lying in the street.  We rushed over, but it was too late.  He was gone.”  Jeff “Grease monkey” Sturges, also at the scene made this comment, “Dude, he was up laughing, carrying on, typical Dave and then wham, out like a light!…I swear I heard a noise up on the grassy knoll, but they said no one was there.  I swear I saw a puff of smoke, but they SAID, NO ONE WAS THERE.  It was brutal man.”

       As soon as the incident transpired, Jesse “Psycho” Rhodes was apprehended for questioning  (as the only “logical” suspect) and has been accused of the shooting.  “Dude I didn’t do it, I’m just a patzy…they want you to believe, it’s a conspiracy…they have no proof.”  Although sources say they have there man, skeptics point out the only piece of evidence they have against Rhodes is the following photograph taken around the time of the shooting…

        This is the infamous photo.  Police close to the case say Mr. Rhodes is holding the scope of a Remington high powered rifle.  In fact the actual scope for the rifle used to shoot Dave.  One former criminal pathologist had this to say, “He’s holding a damn beer bottle, I mean, you have to be a cabbage, or an Engel, not to see that.”  Police investigating the case weren’t at liberty to make a statement, but sources close to the case had these comments…”We…believe…the…bot..’er…scope… SCOPE!.. S-C-O-P-E… Mr. Rhodes…is holding...in...the..picture…is…in..fact…the..scope.. used…on..the. .rifle …used…in..the… (FUBAR) shooting.”

       Police are relentless in their pursuit to bring the shooter to justice.  A theory being dismissed by the authorities is that the shooting was not the job of a lone gunman, but in fact a massive conspiracy organized and implemented by the Avellino Cartel. This in response to recent trade embargo and anti-publicity campaigns initiated by the FUBAR News Corp. after a rather ugly corporate takeover by DAM Enterprises and Avellino Inc.  Mark “I was in Florida” Avellino was unavailable for comment, but his press secretary did issue the following statement, “I would have shot the little F**ker myself, but I wasn’t there, so dammit, beat to the punch.  Got to be impressed with the shot though, Dave’s always so hyped up on Sugar and Beer all the time, can’t believe he was standing still long enough to even get hit!”

       Police are continuing to investigate the background of Jesse “I didn’t do it” Rhodes and still stand by the lone gunman theory.  “He did it, did it alone, and did it well, no further questions” was the party line at the police Headquarters where Rhodes is currently being detained. 

        Police are making headway in the background of Mr. Rhodes and are beginning to formulate a theory and motive for the attack.  “We believe this stems from a childhood incident from Mr. Rhodes past.  There are a series of, for lack of a better word “disturbing”, things we are discovering about this man and the more we dig the more we find.  We of course believe he is the shooter and we will bring him to justice.”  Mr. Rhodes lawyer Chris “hang ‘em all” Roth made this statement, “Look gang, why are these guys so fixated on my client?  I mean come on; there are a lot of people who would want to shoot Dave.  Hell, I could’ve done it!  (I didn’t of course)  Anyway, has anyone looked into the fact that all of these so-called law enforcement personnel are in some way or another “compensated” by Avellino Inc? I think everyone is looking in the wrong direction.  Open your eyes people.  The shooter is still out there! He will be brought to justice mark my words but my client will not take the fall for it. Not on my watch!  And if they don’t catch him, well hey, do we really care anyway?”  Mr. Rhodes did have this final comment on the matter, “Come on I didn’t do it and I would like to go home.  Besides, my cell is a little cramped and my cellmate BEAST keeps calling me “purdy boy”  OH GOD, YOU HAVE TO HELP ME!  GET ME OUT! PLEASE BEFORE HE EATS ME….AAAAAAAAA!….”  That was all we were able to get as the reporter was then grabbed by this Mr. BEAST and as witnesses put it “made to submit to the master!?”   Needless to say, The FUBAR News Corporation is deeply saddened and disturbed by the events that have transpired in this case. FNC has made the following statement to Avellino Inc. “We know what you’ve done, what you’re capable of and just want you to know that we are watching!?…”  Avellino Inc. refused our request to make a comment on this matter.

So, as the news continues to unfold in this very bizarre case, we will of course bring them to you, our dedicated fans and followers.  This has been another breaking story from the FUBAR News Corporation, your one and only source for FUBAR National and World Events.


News Archive
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